Being Brave. Lessons from a 4 Year Old

Yesterday around lunchtime, I got a call from my daughter’s kindergarten teacher. As usual, whenever school calls, my heart races a bit faster: Did she get hurt? Is she sick? What do I have to drop to go get her?

It turns out it was none of those things. The teacher called me to bring to my attention that my 4 year old decided to pull her pants down to show her bum to her friends...

When I went to pick her up that afternoon, I told her that her teacher called me to discuss the incident. She looked at me with eyes full of tears: “I don’t want to talk about it. I never want to go back to school!”. Evidently, she was feeling shameful - a feeling that was new to my extravert, confident little girl. All evening she repeated “I never want to go back to school, I want to stay with mommy for the rest of my life”. When I put her to bed, I lied next to her and the last thing she said while holding my hand before going to sleep was “mommy, I’m scared. I don’t want to go back to school.”

I was already dreading the fight we were going to have in the morning to get her ready for school. And as expected, when she woke up, the first thing she told me was: “I don't want to go to schooooool!” The thought of facing her friends and teacher after what she had done was obviously unbearable to her.

Yet, after breakfast, my little soldier went upstairs to get her clothes on, brush her teeth, and get ready for school. She was very quiet on our walk to school, and wasn’t walking very fast. But she put one foot in front of the other, and even smiled when she saw her best friend waiting for her in front of the classroom. I could see her little face full of worry of getting ridiculed and she got teary when the classroom door opened and she saw her teacher. She held on to her little stuffie attached to her backpack, and marched forward into the room towards her cubby, determined to face the day.

So why am I writing about this?

I don't know about you, but I have been in this situation many times. And I will admit that I have chosen to not go back somewhere, or try something again, in fear of getting it wrong again or getting ridiculed. So what am I learning from this?

1. The importance of the support system.

When we spoke about it, my daughter thought I was going to get mad at her. But instead I just said “looks like you feel bad you made a mistake. Making mistakes is the only way we learn. I’m really proud of you that you made a mistake and you are learning from it”. And the next day when she told me she was scared of seeing her teacher, I told her that her teacher was on her side, that she was there to help kids learn from their mistakes; that’s her job. Finally, seeing her friend there helped her summon up her courage and step into the classroom.

So next time you screw up and you need a pep talk to get back in there, who do you have that you can turn to who will truly support you?

2. Remembering the past can help you be brave in the present.

The other thing that really helped us, was thinking about other times she was brave and how it opened so many doors and opportunities. For example, the first time she went to daycare, she screamed and shouted because she was so scared. But as she kept going, she realized she loved it, and it was a nightmare to get her to leave!

When we are faced with situations that demand a lot of courage, we all have an arsenal of positive experiences to rely on. Unfortunately, in the heat of the moment, we often forget about them. Have some of those experiences on hand, so that you can have a pep talk with yourself when you need it!

3. Sometimes it’s just about putting one foot in front of the other.

Things can be so scary sometimes that breaking them down into small chunks can help. My daughter intuitively understood this. In this case, it was about first getting dressed, then brushing her teeth, then walking to school, then meeting a friend, then entering the classroom. One step at the time.

You’re scared of going back in front of a big group because you messed up the last presentation? Take it one step at the time: get dressed, go to the room, see a friend there, say ‘good morning’ to the group, take a deep breath, and dive in!

Oh and finally, don't show your bum in public!