Shh. Be Quiet!

Anyone who knows me and has interacted with me, knows that I love to talk. In general, I’m an extremely efficient person and my brain goes about 10,000 km a minute. Unfortunately, when paired with my love of talking and my mouth only going 9,000 km a minute, I blurt something out and one second later, my brain goes: “SHHHHH BE QUIET! That wasn't meant to be said out loud!”

Too late - it’s out already… and now I have to do damage control, which usually happens through more talking. And then my brain goes “Oh no, not again! You’re digging a hole for yourself! When are you going to just STOP TALKING!”.

Anyone can relate?

Being quiet is hard for me. When I decided to start working on this, I first had to understand why I was wired that way. So here goes:

1. I think out loud. As an extravert, I need to say things to hear whether they make sense or not. I talk to a lot of people, but I also talk to myself in the shower, on the subway, when I’m walking on the street. It helps me rehearse my thoughts, and refine my ideas.

2. I speak when I’m nervous. I’ve realized that in situations that make me nervous, in order to feel confident and regain my composure, I try to say something that will make me sound interesting, funny or knowledgeable.

3. I genuinely like to help. I get such a boost when I give a piece of advice and it helps someone. So even if not asked, I may try to tell you something in the hopes it helps you.

4. I’m very productive and like to see things move forward. If the conversation is not going in what I feel is a productive direction, I may cut someone off to go in another direction.

5. I’m (selectively) impulsive. While I’m very calculated in many parts of my life (i.e. I will obsess about some important decisions, I’m a good planner, I’m not an impulse buyer, etc), when it comes to talking, I lack impulse control. So instead of pausing for half a second before opening my mouth, I might blurt out whatever is on my mind.

Not necessarily all bad things, but helpful to know! With that in mind, I committed to work on a few aspects to enhance my listening skills.

• I have a big sheet of paper on my kitchen wall that says: “LISTEN AND ASK”. I usually take my calls from my kitchen counter and I get to stare at this reminder. It shut me up a few times!

• To calm my nerves, as I know that I can’t always refrain from talking when I’m anxious, I am trying to change my talking to asking. At least that way I can maybe discover something new and let someone else talk.

• To get out of the habit of talking to solidify my ideas, I have started the habit of writing to refine my thoughts (ahem - this blog). Thankfully, I love to write too. And while I’ve published a few excerpts within this series of blogs, I have pages and pages filled with disorganized thoughts… It’s better to have my laptop as the victim of my incessant talking than some innocent bystander!

• I’m enlisting helpers. I love it when my 6 year old now says: “Mommy, can I tell you something? But don’t say anything right after.” Oh the number of times I’ve had to bite my tongue!

I know that while it’s something I'm working on, my ability to ‘say things’ is also a strength of mine. And so here are the areas where I will continue to leverage this strength.

The power of small talk

I actually love small talk. Yes, I do. Small talk exists for a reason. It is a very legit way to create instant connection and relate with individuals of vastly different backgrounds. We both live in the same neighbourhood and are experiencing the same weather? Click! I feel like I have something in common with you, and right away feel better connected. We both have kids? Click! We experience similar challenges. You’ve lived abroad? Click! We can relate.

If you are willing to explore a little bit, I believe there is always something we have in common with someone else. Meaningful conversations cannot happen without connection. And I know I’m good at finding that link.

Reframing thoughts and naming emotions to move forward

Thanks to my habit of talking too much, I have a lot of practice in ‘saying’ things. Which also means that I’ve learned to effectively organize, summarize and extract meaning from someone else’s ramblings. Pausing the conversation and saying ‘Can I tell you what I think I’m hearing?’ can help someone else reflect back on what they were saying so that they can move forward.

Similarly, I love to talk about emotions and feelings, something a lot of people are scared of. I have learned that noticing and naming emotions (“it sounds like you’re embarrassed”) can help someone take a step back and decide on how to deal with that emotion, as opposed to letting it direct their thoughts and actions. And don’t be afraid to get it wrong: it is just as powerful to name the wrong emotion and let the other person correct you.

Some of you may be surprised to read that I’m a leadership coach and I am working on something as meaningful as not talking as much and listening better… However, I am always dubious of leaders and coaches who have nothing they are working on! When I was hiring for leadership roles on my team, one of my favourite questions to ask candidates was always: what’s on your personal development plan?