Survival

I haven’t been writing much these days, because most of our days are about survival. Thankfully, not the life or death kind; we are very fortunate to have our health. But a different kind of survival…

I have two young daughters both in virtual school for the foreseeable future. My partner is a rock star but he has a very demanding job. I’m trying to finish a certification, grow my own business and maintain my current engagements, while being part-time IT support, homeschool teacher, snack provider, child therapist, cook and cleaner.

I’m not complaining or whining when I say that this is hard. I know I have so much to be grateful for (and reminding myself of this is one of my coping mechanisms), and I know that so many families are struggling so much more than we are.

I have been reflecting on two specific things that have been helpful for me. Note that I didn’t title this blog ‘survival guide’, so this is not as a ‘to-do’ list, but more an encouragement to think through your own practices and behaviours, and examine what’s working for you and what’s not.

The Good Cry

You will have heard by now the saying that women are too emotional. That’s complete rubbish. I actually think the way many of us express emotions is much healthier than the alternative of pretending that everything is OK when it is not. Over the past couple of weeks, I have really noticed the healing effects of expressing emotions. Especially the good cry: the one that empties your whole body from the tension and stress. It leaves you tired but clearer and calmer, and able to talk through the challenges at hand so you can move along productively.

On Tuesday, my 4 year old pushed me to my limit. She was refusing anything to do with school. She wouldn’t even try, threw all her toys across the room, told me things so mean I cannot even write them here (and I didn't even know she knew those words!). I tried to take a 30 minute call, and she picked that specific time to throw another tantrum. At around 2pm, I couldn’t do anything but look at her and cry. She then cried. We just cried together for 10 minutes. And then we took a deep breath and talked it out. We discussed strategies we could use next time we feel like it’s all getting too much, and how we deal with our own frustrations in healthier ways. I’m not saying this will never happen again, but I know that if I hadn’t taken the time to let my emotions out and acknowledge them, the outcome would not have been as pretty…

I spend a lot of time talking to my two girls and my clients about the super powers our emotions give us, and how we can learn to channel them productively. It’s not about hiding them or repressing them. It’s about acknowledging them, letting ourselves feel without indulging in them, and using them to define our next steps.

There is Success in Just Trying

I can’t recount the number of times over the past two weeks that I’ve tried something that either fell flat or plainly didn’t work, whether with my business or our home life. While that can sound discouraging, I’ve learned to feel good about the fact that I’m trying. Also, I’ve learned to cut my losses early, and try to not fall in love with ideas that just don’t work for us.

Yesterday morning, I had the brilliant idea of writing down checklists for everyone with what we needed to do everyday to keep our minds and bodies healthy. I heard from so many people how that’s helped them manage the chaos that is life during a pandemic. At 130pm, the lists were shoved in the recycling bin... While I could feel like this is a failure when so many people made this work for them, I’m also glad we tried it. It’s not working for us. But I feel good that I tried something and now I can move on to a different solution.

That’s a pretty simple example. However, the same goes for the 3 proposals I sent that got rejected, and the several articles I submitted that didn’t get published. It’s easy to put off things that we think may not work, or that we feel a bit uncomfortable trying. In this case, I always find it helpful to think about “what’s the worst thing that can happen if this flops?”, and then turn to “what are the best possible outcomes if this succeeds?”. More often than not, the potential rewards dramatically outweigh the impacts of failure… And even in failure, there is always learning!

I see so many parallels between the role of the parent and the role of the leader. In both cases, the role has evolved, and this pandemic has accelerated that change. It’s not about telling people what to do, but more about knowing yourself and your own biases, and then helping others (children, teams, employees, spouses) discover for themselves what they should do given their personality, their values, their context and their situation.

I guess some might call it… coaching?